We All Need a Village

So often in my parenting journey (and often in my professional life as an educator), I find myself thinking, “How did humans evolve to handle this?” What I mean is: humans have been around for a reallllllllly long time, but our current way of living has not. I’m speaking of our nuclear family that involves one or two parents, often without any significant support from grandparents, neighbors or close friends.

This way in which we live in modern-day America and in some other societies has existed for a minute amount of time relative to the length of time that humans have been evolving, but we have not evolved for modern nuclear-family parenting. We have not adapted quickly enough to accommodate the drastic changes modern society has faced in the last hundred years. It’s a drop in the bucket time-wise, but a massive shift in terms of how we are living. 

Life - parenting - is really difficult when you are all alone. Even with a supportive partner, parenting is not for the faint of heart, and it certainly isn’t easy without any extended support system. According to the Pew Research Centre, 20% of Americans live in multigenerational family units. That means that 4 out of every 5 of us DO NOT.

So I dug into the research a bit, because that’s what I do. As it turns out, my instincts aren’t wrong. Biological anthropologists write about the concept of “cooperative breeding” and “alloparents” - and it’s exactly as I suspected: we never did this alone until a very short time ago, anthropologically speaking. Humans lived in an extended family structure and helped care for all the children in that group. That included supervision, education, and even feeding. (Don’t fall out of your seats, people - wet nursing is a basic, historical fact of human survival. It’s no wonder breastfeeding is SO SO HARD these days…it’s just one more thing we are expected to do all by ourselves.) A single pair of parents raising their children alone in their very own cave would never have survived. Group childrearing was the case for many millions of years, whereas our current, isolated societal set up is very, very recent. Humans simply haven’t evolved to parent the way we Americans do now: alone.

And while the major pandemic isolation of 2020 made it worse for many families, let’s be real: we were struggling before that, and we’re still struggling now.

To clarify, for 2 to 3 million years, human beings lived in large, extended family groups in caves or clusters of tents or shelters. Homo sapiens, our species, only arose about 300,000 years ago. Babies were nursed and worn or carried because they had to be in order to survive, while everyone had to work cooperatively to hunt and gather food in order for no one to starve to death. The groups that were more successful at these activities were better able to reproduce…hence, the evolution of humans who were better at taking care of one another. During the Industrial Revolution that took hold in the 1840-1850’s, women began leaving their children to work outside the home (most often in factories), although they still took on the majority of housework and childcare chores as well.

While multigenerational living is rising slightly again after declining for decades, most of us do not live with or near parents or grandparents who can help or even just provide us with some adult sanity. In terms of human evolution, living in nuclear families and leaving our babies to go to work is a mere fingersnap on the evolutionary timeline. Our genetics haven’t caught up with our lifestyle. We are still programmed to need each other, to support each other, to do this in groups.

Mr. Middle LOVES to cook with his Grandy (my own daddy, with whom I also stood on a stool and cooked).

In light of that, no wonder this feels so impossibly hard. Caregivers aren’t supposed to be alone all day with young kids. We aren’t supposed to care for the children, clean the house, shop for and cook the food, and do the laundry alone. We aren’t supposed to survive postpartum life alone. We definitely aren’t meant to be navigating the parenting of teens alone! We aren’t meant to do all of these things as just a pair, either. If you feel like you’re doing it wrong because there are two functioning adults in your household and you’re still stressed to the max…you aren’t doing it wrong. It’s the expectation that is wrong.

My mama reading to Mr. Middle while my daddy holds down the newborn Baby B fort. Obviously we were all pretty tired…ha!

We are lonely. We are overwhelmed. We are drowning. We are fighting our very nature as human beings.

And it is not just parents who are at a disadvantage when raising families in isolation. Children are also missing out on the benefits of being raised in community. You know how in Daniel Tiger, all of the grown ups sing the same songs, and say the same things, and raise the children in the same firm-but-loving ways? Well…guess what? We need more of that in our lives. Our children need adults other than their parents to guide them and teach them and play with them and model appropriate behavior for them. Children need the richness of having close relationships with a variety of non-parental adults. They need to know that they matter to more than just mom and dad.

Be the friend that loves on your friend’s kids. Be the friend that takes the time to read the stories and listen to their little voices. Our kids need that so badly! The friend in this photo was heaven-sent to me during pregnancy and postpartum life but even outside of that timeframe she was amazing at making my kids feel loved.

So I think we can all agree that it really does take a whole village to raise a child. But it’s not that simple, is it? Maybe you and your spouse/partner both work and you’re away all day and then squeeze in dinner and bedtime before collapsing. Maybe one of you is home, but struggling along alone with your kids all day every day. Maybe you are going to the parks and the library story hour and trying desperately to meet parent friends. Maybe you’re working from home AND juggling the kids. Whatever your setup is, you also have to fit in the housework. And the cooking. And finding time to exercise. And sleep. And socialize at least a little bit. Maybe you superparents out there really are juggling all that, but you’re lonely. It’s hard to only speak to little people sometimes.

So where’s this village that everyone talks about?! How do you find them?

Here are some of the things that have helped my husband and me build our village. Keep in mind that this can be HARD. We aren’t set up for this - we don’t all live close to extended family like people used to, we aren’t all close with neighbors, and we’ve all been conditioned to feel like we should be able to do this by ourselves. (That’s a big, fat LIE!) We aren’t used to accepting help and we aren’t used to providing it for others, at least not in the daily ways in which a village should truly be functioning.

It Takes a Whole Village to Raise a Child

We are admittedly luckier than most - my parents live right across town, and we accidentally moved into a neighborhood full of like-minded souls that thrive in close connection and support one another.

There are some things though, that we have done intentionally in order to “build our village” and become more connected to the people around us.

• Invite them in. If your house is a wreck…invite them in anyway. Stop apologizing, because I’m sure they think their house looks just as bad. If your kids are being Tasmanian devils…invite them in anyway. If you’re wearing yesterday’s yoga pants and haven’t brushed your hair…invite them in anyway. When I say “them”, I mean anyone whose company you enjoy. We need all types in our village. It’s not ideal to have only parents of young children in your village when you’re all trying to survive parenting young children.

  This can look like inviting neighbors into your space. This can look like having friends over. This can look like meeting up for a walk and then inviting them back for tea or hot chocolate. Look for opportunities to make people a part of your life. It can feel awkward at first. I once read a statistic stating that it takes upwards of thirty in-person interactions with someone for them to feel like a real, comfortable friend. It’s not going to feel easy and close at first, but don’t give up. You don’t have to sit around and “host” either when you invite them in. Just do your real life! Prepping dinner? Prep dinner while you chat. And if you end up at someone else’s house, do your best to jump right into their normal life.

That’s not my driveway and not my leaves and not my mower…my kids believe any of our neighbors doing yardwork are an open invitation to go “help”. Our neighbors are awesome enough to include them! They probably do just as much parenting of my kids when we are outdoors as I do.

• Which brings me to my next suggestion…Build your village with people in all seasons of life. They need us just as much as we need them. We in the toddler season of life might be desperate for help with childcare and housework. Our older neighbors and friends might be just as desperate for interaction with toddlers! Don’t assume that your childless neighbors don’t want to hang out with you and your circus of tiny humans. They very often do. And they very often can end up being an invaluable part of your village…just as you’ll become an important part of theirs.

• Don’t forget that you can Be part of a village with friends who are far away! It’s 2022 and if COVID isolation taught us anything, it should be that there are many ways to support one another that aren’t face-to-face. We have many close friends from college and other places we have lived that are dozens and hundreds of miles from where we currently live. We absolutely count on their social and emotional support as part of our village, our network. Got a long-distance friend having a baby? Be the one to set up the meal train! Or make a point to write your long-distance friends’ important stuff in your calendar, so you can remember to reach out to them about it. Something I’m absolutely terrible at is remembering friends’ kids’ birthdays…but remembering them would be a great way to help them feel the love from afar.

• Spend a ton of time outside. I sound like a broken record with my preaching of the 1,000 hours outside initiative and my constant suggestions to take your life outside. But how are you going to find “Village People” inside your house or apartment? (Dad, I hope you’re reading because that reference was just for you.)

  Seriously though, being outside in our neighborhood every day is how we have met most of our closest friends and SO many neighbors who are a daily part of our lives. Obviously not everyone lives in a neighborhood conducive to this. We used to live in a neighborhood that wasn’t at all safe. There are work-arounds even in situations like this. Spend lots of time at parks - not only will you meet other parents, they will be parents with similar parenting styles, as you’re both obviously prioritizing park time. Look for ways to connect with older people - if your kids are slightly older, make a regular habit of volunteering somewhere. Find a church community, join a MOPS group, help at an animal shelter, plant in a community garden. Whatever your passion is, look for ways to find others who share it.

• “Do food” together. This is a sure-fire way to bond. You can cook together, you can all get takeout and meet at a park together, you can meet up with neighbors in the front yard and all bring your dinners outside, you can order pizza with friends after a crazy afternoon of extracurricular activities, you can have a gang over to roast marshmallows at a firepit…or, if you have the mental capacity and the time and the money (I get it, those are big IFs), try and feed someone else. Invite them over, or take food to them. Which brings me to my last point!

A friend and neighbor brought this to us after Baby B’s birth - and this was just the appetizer! She brought a whole meal, and gifts for the kids. I aspire to be that friend for others.

• Be the village for others. Even feeling as overwhelmed as we often do in this season of life, my husband and I rejoice when we are able to help someone else! It’s fulfilling. It’s a great feeling that as struggle-y as we often feel, we still have something to offer. Look for ways to serve others. Big ways, small ways, in-between ways…it can be as simple as sending a text checking in on someone when you know they have an important meeting or an appointment, or when you know they’re struggling with something. It can be bringing someone a meal. It can be offering to pick up a neighbor's kid from the bus.

  The other awesome thing that happens when you are looking for what others need is…you’ll focus less on your own stress. This is not to minimize the anxiety-causing problems of the season you’re living - those are real and valid. But something positive happens to our own mindset when we look for ways to relieve others’ stresses. This is, I believe, definitely an evolutionary benefit - if humans have evolved to live in cooperative groups, of COURSE we have evolved to feel good about helping others. (Please note that this does NOT always translate into me being a stellar communicator via text…I’m just as likely as the next parent to forget to answer a text for six weeks and then pick that conversation back up like nothing happened.)

There is a saying I like, an old idiom that “many hands make light work,” which dates clear back to the 1300’s. I kind of love this. Have a friend buried under a mountain of laundry? Run over and help fold it! Live in a place where a lot of leaves fall? Get together with the neighbors and help rake their yards. My neighborhood gang recently decorated pumpkins together. My kids got help from their favorite neighbor pals, and we all enjoyed the community feeling.

That phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” is so true! It originated from an African proverb that says it takes many people (a village) to ensure a safe and healthy environment for children, where they enjoy the security they need to develop, to flourish, and to be able to realize their hopes and dreams.

Need help or support trying to build a village? Drop me a comment here or on my socials and we’ll discuss ways to get started!