Simplifying the Holidays with Kids
Holidays are awesome and fun and sparkly and…stressful. They can be extra stressful when you’re navigating them with young children (or even older children!). There are so many expectations (yours, theirs, other peoples’), so many perfect-looking family activities on social media…we end up with this mental (or actual) list of things we want to do or get done or buy or bake (or all of the above), and we feel the pressure to make it all happen and to make it all magical and memorable.
We just went to the Christmas tree farm on Black Friday. We took all three kids who are currently 7, 2, and 9 months. We do this every year and every year it’s fun! Except this year, when all three kids took turns whining/ crying/ screaming/ complaining/ stomping. And not only took turns but overlapped some, too! It was LOADS of fun.
This is right after I said “Please smile like you’re actually having fun, guys!”…and bless their performing little hearts, they sure did.
I JEST. Actually, it wasn’t fun at all. It was basically miserable. And windy and muddy. And don’t get me wrong, we love us some mud and we don’t mind wind, but the whole experience was…not exactly what we’d imagined. By the time we got back in the car with the kids strapped in and the tree tied on top, we were pretty much done for the day.
Their faces here are closer to how they actually felt…
It’s what inspired this blog. It got me thinking - would the kids have been just as happy this year to go buy a tree pre-cut off a lot? Should we have altered our plans when we realized that morning that their moods were…less than stellar? The answer is probably yes to at least one of those questions. We could have postponed those plans or gone somewhere closer or gotten a pre-cut tree this year while the boys are still so little. We could have brought the wagon so not everyone had to walk. My point is, we were so determined to “follow the tradition” that we forgot to follow the kids’ needs. And everyone suffered for it.
According to the research, stress and anxiety are a growing problem in children (also in adults but I’m not writing about you!), and even the most chill children can have some heightened stress around the holidays.
That’s because around the holidays, we are busier, we socialize more, there are bigger to-do lists, important family traditions that we have expectations for…. The expectations for children can be much too high for so many holiday events and activities. And often holidays mean we get out of routine, and we eat more sugar. All of these out-of-the-ordinary circumstances contribute to some not-so-great mental health outcomes for kids. (Not to mention the adults who love them!)
It’s a serious problem - stress and higher cortisol levels can have both short term and long term effects, all of them damaging. In the short term, it can negatively impact childrens’ behavior, which is exactly what no one needs around the holidays. We are stressed enough ourselves!
Here are some of the ways in which we can alleviate holiday stress:
Maintain Good Sleep: This one is HUGE. Let me just tell you…I am Far From My Best Self when I am sleep deprived. (It’s worth mentioning here that basically every day of my life right now with Baby B is described as pretty terribly sleep deprived…maybe don’t ask my husband what it’s like to live with me these days.) We actually spent two nights with my parents at Thanksgiving just so we could get a little help with the kids and some SLEEP…and they live right across town! If WE struggle with self regulation and being easily stressed when we don’t get enough sleep, just imagine how much harder it is for our kids with their much less-developed self-regulatory skills and stress management coping mechanisms.
I will protect this guy’s sleep over the holidays so fiercely.
I feel like this is one of those things we all KNOW as parents, but often screw up anyway. (Maybe you don’t fall into this category? If you are amazing at protecting your child’s sleep, good job, you!) So while this advice might not be shocking (duh, they need sleep), I do think it’s a helpful reminder. My husband and I are always tempted to let bedtime and naptime schedules slide a bit around the holidays, and it’s just never worth it. And sometimes we don’t WANT to let those schedules and routines get lax, but holiday circumstances make it nearly impossible to maintain.
Keep Trying to Get Outside: So according to a LOT of the research I have done in the past, we already know that spending time outside reduces stress levels (among a myriad of other benefits). Even five minutes outside has a positive effect on mood and is correlated with lower stress levels. That’s incredible! So yes, it’s cold out, and yes, we have a lot of holiday things to do indoors, but our daily dose of green goes a long way toward helping us all maintain sanity.
This was Thanksgiving Day, and WHEW did we need this fresh air!
I notice this so vividly when we have an indoor day. This doesn’t happen often at our house unless the weather is really, bitterly cold or very, VERY wet. But sometimes, when the kids are just cozied up reading and playing so nicely all morning, it’s hard to motivate myself to interrupt that cozy bliss and get outside, particularly in the winter. This is particularly true when they are playing independently, and I’m actually washing a pan in peace or (miracle of miracles) sipping hot coffee with no one attached to me.
But then it gets to be about 11:00 or 11:30…just close enough to lunch and naps for me to not have time to get everyone’s gear on and get us outside. And I regret it. Because almost always, regardless of our cozy, peaceful morning, my Mr. Middle loses his marbles. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…he is not an indoor animal in his toddlerhood. He can fake it for awhile, but if we don’t get our outside time in, he just can’t maintain his chill.
Absolutely worth bundling them up to get out on this walk!
This is honestly the case for most kids, even if it doesn’t show in their behavior as intensely as it does for poor Mr. Middle. If we measured cortisol levels and had accurate, objective measurements of children’s mental health, I’d bet any amount of money that the data shows they are suffering on the days we don’t go outside.
So enjoy those Christmas trees. Bake those cookies. Snuggle and read those holiday books. But get outside. Every day you possibly can.
Keep Striving for some movement/exercise: We know we need exercise, but sometimes the motivation surely is weak. Just ten minutes of walking gifts us with immense benefits. We are calmer. Our blood pressure is lower. Even our cholesterol and blood sugar are lower! We sleep better (which, see above, is a major puzzle piece in maintaining our mental health during the holidays). Overall, anxiety and depression are noticeably reduced after just a simple ten-minute walk. This is one of the best things we can do for our children’s physical and mental health (and obviously for our own physical and mental health, as well). It’s SUUUUUPER easy to let this go by the wayside in the hustle and bustle of the holidays. How many times have I told myself, “I’ll get back to it in January”?
Do not fall into this trap. Continue to prioritize movement and exercise. Take those family walks. Go to the park when the weather permits. Have some indoor dance parties or follow-the-leader exercise sessions if you can’t get outside. Do whatever it takes to get your kiddos moving on a regular basis. You will all reap the benefits.
Physical contact: this is a big one for young children (and even big children). Physical touch does several important things (among many others): releases oxytocin (the love hormone), aids in bonding and generally makes you feel good. It also increases serotonin and dopamine, the natural antidepressant and calming hormones. All of these work in tandem to reduce cortisol and adrenaline levels.
Basically hugs, cuddles, and physical connection can physically reduce the effects of stress on the body and brain. This article gives you all the science behind how physical touch benefits people. It’s the better-articulated version of what I just said. For what it’s worth, I read about a dozen other articles that all said basically the same things, which is great news as far as research goes.
My sweet little Mr. Middle, age 2.5, benefits massively and noticeably from being worn. The close physical contact relaxes and calms him SO much.
The bottom line is, hugging and cuddling your kids will alleviate stress. For once, an aspect of parenting really is that simple. Offer lots of positive physical contact, and pay attention to their bids for physical attention.
Acts of Service: Did you know that doing nice things for other people actually releases endorphins similar to those that result from exercise? We get a boost of the hormone serotonin and other feel-good endorphins - just from doing something for someone else! You aren’t imagining it when you feel good about being kind. There is legit research to support feeling good after you’ve done some act of service for another! Acts of kindness and selflessness also release bursts of oxytocin which in addition to being a feel-good hormone is also beneficial for heart health! How crazy awesome is that? I suppose it makes a lot of sense in terms of evolution and the survival of the human race. Of course we have evolved to get some personal benefit from taking care of others - it’s how we kept our species alive and ascendant for so many years. It’s still super cool to see the science behind it though.
This information is the perfect motivation to intentionally spread some kindness during the holiday season. As you’re teaching your kids to think about others and not just themselves, you’re actually reducing their levels of stress and anxiety…and making their hearts healthier!
In our family, we are spending Advent doing some act of kindness/compassion/selflessness every day leading up to Christmas. I’d love to see what you all come up with in the way of kindness ideas.
Protect their comfort levels at family gatherings
Do not, under any circumstances, force physical affection OR speaking OR eating new, strange foods.
If you, as a child, showed up at a gathering that you didn't choose (someone chose it for you, including what you’re wearing and the time you’re attending) and you were expected to eat a bunch of things you had never tasted or maybe even seen before, it would be weird and uncomfortable at best. This is hard to remember for us, but that’s everyday life for toddlers and preschoolers - they see foods they have never seen or can’t remember seeing and they don’t have any idea what it will taste like or feel like in their mouths. It’s not actually so weird that kids can be picky eaters. The holidays are not the time to fight that battle. (Really food is never something to fight about, but that’s a blog for another day!)
2. Regarding forcing physical affection, don’t make them do it. Respect their body boundaries and teach them in real life about consent. It would feel weird for us as adults to be expected to hug or kiss people we had never met or didn’t remember meeting or just didn’t feel comfortable with, and our children feel the same way. Really, it’s an evolutionary defense mechanism - of course little kids aren’t comfortable with strangers, they aren’t generally supposed to be! And yeah, I know Great-Aunt Myrtle doesn’t think she is a stranger, but your children sure do if they’ve never laid eyes on her that they recall. Their brains are telling them to stick with the people they know are safe, and for good reason.
3. Also don’t expect them to show off their speaking skills at these gatherings, either, for similar reasons. Public speaking is stressful for most adults, and this is how it feels for kids at events like this. It’s tempting to want to show off your adorable kiddo and the things they say and their great manners and eating habits, etc…but that is not our job in these circumstances. Our job is to have their backs.
I hope this is the boost you need to take your plans down a notch. I hope you can let go of the pressure or the weird parent guilt about making holidays magical and just enjoy the magic that’s already there. Focus on the little things, maintain some good sleep and exercise, get outside, and cuddle your kids. Be kind to others. Basically, keep doing the things we should be doing all year round and you will have a more peaceful holiday season. Isn’t that what we all are striving for?
If this has made you think of any way to make the “holidaze” less stressful for your little people, I’d love to hear about it below or on my socials. You never know…it may benefit someone else who reads your comment!