Seven Ways to Raise Independent Children
I joke frequently these days that Baby B is never leaving the nest. He’s my last baby, and I’m holding on for dear life. I’ll just have to make space in our house for whoever he loves eventually, because I’m never letting him move out. If you’ve seen The Water Boy, he’s my Bobby Bouche. (If you haven’t seen The Water Boy, please go watch it asap, and picture me as Mama and Baby B as Bobby. You’re welcome.)
I’ll stop wearing him when he can submit a formal, written request. Maybe.
Jokes aside, what we really want for our children is for them to be happy, successful, thriving, independent individuals. We want to know that they will be able to take care of themselves and build beautiful lives of their own. I’m guessing we as parents can all agree on those goals…but when your three-year-old is wrapped around your shins as you are trying to cook supper, or when your two-year-old will not just take their freaking shoes off by themselves and neeeeeeeds you to do it for them, or when your six-year-old announces every night at dinner that she’s thirsty but does nothing about it….
How do you get them to be independent? How do you get them to play independently as toddlers? How do you get them to engage in any independent self care as preschoolers? And this is way down the road for us, but how do you get them to think independently as adolescents? Self-sufficiency really is a crucial life skill.
This is overwhelming, right? But it is arguably one of the most important things we will ever do as parents. Preparing them to run their own lives effectively is pretty much the entire end-game here, because one way or another, we won’t be around to do it for them forever. One day Big Girl will be sixty or seventy years old and even if I’m still around, I will not be hobbling after her reminding her to take a jacket because the real feel is in the negatives!
Here are seven ways in which I encourage my children to build independence:
Let’s start with my basic premise as a parent (and as an educator, although this particular blog is geared towards parenting). Central to most of my interactions with my children is this: Don’t Underestimate Them. Children, even very young children, are capable of far more than we often give them credit for. They can learn to do so many things if we just get out of the way and let them! Mr. Middle, who is exactly 2.5 years old, is a pro at breaking eggs. No shells in them, none spilled on the counter. It did not start out that way, but he learned it way faster than you might think. And if you read about the day we hiked Mt. Nittany, you’ll know that once our kiddos (ages 2 and 6) were given the chance, they hiked that mountain like a pair of goats. Give them chances to do all the things; don’t assume they can’t. Mr. Middle can cut his own grapes (with a table knife), and is learning to dress himself with a decent rate of success. Big Girl, who turns seven in two weeks, basically wrote the book on how to think for herself - we don’t always agree with her thoughts, but she sure thinks of them all by herself! She is great at dressing herself (we politely smile and nod at some of her off-the-wall outfit choices, but that’s not a battle we choose), and she is the absolute master at playing by herself. It’s all possible if we give them the space.
Don’t underestimate Mr. Middle in the kitchen! He is an egg-cracking machine at the ripe old age of 2.5 years old.
2. Trust them. Just today, I happened to see Mr. Middle dragging a very tall stool from the kitchen to the bathroom, where it does not belong. I could have stopped him, but I didn’t. I decided to trust that he had a plan. As it turns out, he had a hangnail. He was dragging that stool to the bathroom closet so he could get himself a bandaid. Talk about independent! I was so glad I hadn’t stopped him. He solved that problem all by himself, and he had the satisfaction of knowing he had done it. Yesterday, he got down out of his seat at lunch, and normally I’d ask what he is doing, and tell him to come back to his seat…but I didn’t. He went right across the kitchen and retrieved his friend’s water bottle that I had forgotten to bring to the table! I would have looked really silly if I had fussed at him! As hard as it often is, I try really hard to trust what my kids are doing and see it through before I comment.
I worked hard at trusting her on this one - she's retrieving a ball that went over the fence! In the end, she and her friends did some excellent collaborative problem-solving. It was worth me standing back and trusting to see what they were doing before demanding to know what the heck they were doing!
3. Bite your tongue: risky play. I could write an entire blog on this, and I plan to! For now, trust the research that has found that risky play (not hazardous, but risky) is essential to healthy development and has life-long benefits. Our job during our children’s risky play is to bite our tongues. If you must say something, let it be along the lines of narrating what they are doing, rather than telling them what to do. Allowing your children to take risks in their play is an excellent way to encourage independence. It builds confidence (and also some very strong physical skills that will protect them from injury later in life). When we can avoid interfering, we should.
These two spend their whole lives up in a tree, and I do a lot of tongue-biting. It’s worth it, every time.
4. Build in the time for independence. A great example of this is dressing to get out the door. Don’t wait until the last minute if you can possibly avoid it. When you’re crunched for time, you can’t let the toddler try to zip their own coat. You can’t let the kiddo try to tie their own shoes. This doesn’t always happen for us - we run late a lot around here. We try our best though to get ready early enough to let everyone have a chance to do their thing on their own, if they want to. Cooking is another great example. I have to start early these days because I have a two-year-old who wants to do every single part of it with me, and I am NOT going to squelch that by telling him I, “don’t have time for him to help.” That’s not the message I want to send. I want him to feel capable, and I want him to feel as though his help is valuable. So I don’t roll my eyes, I don’t act stressed…I welcome him to the counter and accept the altered time frame (and extra cleanup).
5. Independence in eating: We provide, they decide. This is a huge one in our house, and recently it’s gotten easier because Big Girl is teaching it to Mr. Middle without us having to say a single word! The rule here is that we provide what’s on their plates…but they decide what/how much to eat. We try very hard not to say another word about what they are eating, other than the occasional, “I’m so glad you tried that!” About the things they choose not to eat, we say nothing. It’s not productive. They have a real sense of ownership over their mealtime choices. We get to pick what’s on their plates…but we don’t get to pick what they actually eat. This is a loose interpretation of an evidence-based theory called Division of Responsibility. We don’t follow it to the letter, we’ve sort of made it work for us and our routines. Either it’s working or we’ve just gotten lucky, because they are both pretty awesome eaters.
6. Independence in play: This is another one that I could write pages about, and at some point I will. Here, briefly, are a few ways that my kiddos successfully play by themselves (alone or with one another…this particular category of “independent” just means without adult guidance or input). We take the inside toys outside! For some reason, the Megablocks are so much more fun outside than they are inside. So are the Barbies, and the watercolors, and even Baby B’s baby toys. Toy rotation is a HUGE one at our house, that yields SO much independent play. I do not keep all the toys out all the time. Far from it - probably 20% of the toys are out at any given time. The rest are out of sight. Sometimes I decide what is getting switched out (when I notice them seeming bored, usually every couple of weeks) and sometimes they ask for something specific. There are many ways to rotate toys, but however you do it, it’s an incredibly useful strategy in keeping toys exciting. Something else that keeps toys exciting is adding water! I posted a few weeks ago about dumping some Duplos in a bath for Mr. Middle - it worked like a charm! You can toss all kinds of things in the bath that aren’t bath toys, and it’ll almost always buy you a decent chunk of independent play. We’ve also added actual water to our “little kitchen” (the children’s play kitchen) - we moved the entire little kitchen out to the balcony once and added water. The combination of it being outside and having actual water was so novel and engaging they both played there for several hours WITHOUT EVEN FIGHTING. Honestly, my kids play by themselves exponentially better outside than they do inside. I don’t know why; they just do. This is totally in alignment with our goal to spend as much time as possible outside - I’m usually highly motivated to get outside because they usually hop off to do whatever it is they want to do without a backward glance at me. And then I’m left to fold laundry or, more likely, roll around on a blanket cooing at Baby B or reading my own book. Outside is Da Bomb!
This one actually gets irritated when we interrupt her play. She much prefers to be left alone, deep in her dramatic play.
7. Don’t force it. Meet them where they are. This final point might sound sort of counterintuitive if your goal is a self-sufficient child. The thing is, we aren’t necessarily aiming for a self-sufficient child…we are striving for a self-sufficient adult. Always, above all else, keep your expectations developmentally appropriate. The tricky thing about developmental appropriateness is that it’s not one-size-fits-all. Two children who are the exact same age very likely are not at the same readiness level for all of the same skills. The concept of something being developmentally appropriate for a given individual takes into account that person’s individual maturity, skillset, personality, and many other factors. If a child is telling you something is too hard…please believe them. This goes back to trusting them. If they’re telling you they can’t do something by themselves, chances are they genuinely feel as though they can’t. Even if you think they can. Even if you’ve seen them do it before. Even if it’s immensely frustrating and seems to be taking forever. Trust them to know their limits and encourage them to communicate those limits. If they ask for help, by all means tell them you think they can do it - sometimes all they need is a boost of confidence! But if they persist in saying they can’t, they may just need you to help them. They may just need to be reassured that you are there for them, that you will put the sock on, or brush the teeth, or read the word. The children who feel secure will grow up to be the adults who feel like they can take on the world. The feeling of security is strengthened when a child is surrounded by adults they know will have their back. So this is a fine line, a tricky balance…encourage independence, but also model the willingness to help.
Do you struggle with this? (Is there anyone who doesn’t?) I’d love to hear about it if this blog gives you a fresh perspective, helps you change your approach to what we perceive as noncompliance when a child may genuinely feel as if they are struggling. Until next time, remember: encourage independence especially in the seven ways I discuss, but offer security. It will pay off in the long run!