Fake It Til You Make It!

I started my college life as a theater major. I’d been on stage continuously since early childhood, and I loved it! And then… I started classes and started thinking about life. I knew lots of theater people, even had acquaintances on Broadway, and I decided that although I loved being on stage, it wasn’t necessarily the lifestyle I wanted. I wanted stability, the kind I was fortunate enough to have as a child, and lots of time with my future children - that part has always been central for me.

Me at age 10, in the role of Helen Keller in a regional production of The Miracle Worker

After a year or two of considering various majors, I took a Women’s Studies course that culminated in a trip to Tanzania. I taught English to early elementary-aged children while I was there, and That Was It. I knew what I wanted to do, and I have never wavered. The teaching spark was so real. (I also saw a goat sacrifice which ended my life as a meat-eater. FOR. EVER.)

Me in the middle of the Ngorongoro Crater, in northern Tanzania, happily not eating any animals

As the years and my career have moved forward, I have realized that acting and teaching are SO, SO similar. Stepping in front of a classroom full of kids is not really much different than stepping onto a stage with an audience. “Classroom engagement” feels extremely familiar - it’s no different than keeping an audience engaged. Stage presence is a valuable skill as a teacher. (This is probably true of many professions. I’m guessing my pediatrician is not always actually THAT thrilled to see my snotty children - her acting skills are top-notch!)

The years kept rolling, and as I had my own children, the same still held true - acting is also a valuable parenting skill! Not actually happy to see your two-year-old at 6am? Greet him kindly anyway. Would you rather throw toys right back at your tantrum-throwing four-year-old? Pretend you’re calm, and use calm words instead. Feeling less than thrilled at the prospect of another game of Go Fish? Fake it til you make it.

Although I am often less than cheerful when those bright little baby eyes pop enthusiastically open at 5:30am, I do try very hard to smile and greet him as though I am thrilled. Somewhere deep inside, I am thrilled to see him. So that’s all I let him see.

“Fake it til you make it” is one of my in-my-head phrases that gets me through the hard moments of child-rearing and educating. When I say “fake it”, what I actually mean is that we should strive to be intentional with our words and tone of voice when interacting with our children. Think hard about what you are trying to achieve in a given moment, and match your words and your tone with that objective.

At 6am, even though I’d like nothing more than to go back to sleep, I still want my child to feel welcomed and loved. When my four-year-old was throwing trucks directly at my face and screaming at me, what I wanted to do was be the calm for her. Since she was clearly not able to self-regulate in that moment, I wanted to co-regulate.

Now, when she asks to play Go Fish AGAIN and I’d rather watch paint dry, what I want her to know is that I value my time with her, and I think she’s fun to play games with. All of these situations require a great deal of mental energy from us as adults.

The “fake it til you make it” strategy of communicating with my kids came up earlier this week, when two of the big kids were in the front yard playing with a sink-and-float activity I had set up for the toddlers. I walked outside and discovered a GIGANTIC mud puddle. I switched the flip in my brain to “full-on teacher mode” and said suuuuuper cheeeeerfully, “OH, WOW! You guys added…dirt!” My husband, behind me, likely went on high alert when he heard that tone. He knew from years of experience what that meant - that something catastrophically messy had occurred.

But you know what? It worked out so well! They took my cheerful response at face value and enthusiastically informed me that they were painting apples (with mud) and washing them off! And then the toddlers got involved. THEN, an hour later, you would not believe how clean those apples AND those children were. I trusted them to manage it, and they rose to the occasion.

Well. Truth be told, in the first moment of mud discovery, I didn’t really trust what was happening at all. My instinct was horror…and I am so glad I squashed that before it popped out of my mouth! Instead, I feigned cheerful curiosity. They learned from that experience that I trust them and respect their ideas.

This is also true when they spill something. Which is All. The. Dang. Time. I have three kids of my own and a rather large collection of other little humans who spend a lot of time in my life…so there are a lot of spills. I have *mostly* mastered the art of responding to spills (I mean any spills, even the absolute worst as well as the ones that we as adults feel could have been prevented) with the phrase, “Accidents happen”.

I try REALLY HARD to sound genuine when I say, “Accidents happen.” Because honestly? It’s true. Accidents DO happen. It could have been me. The difference is that I am 30-something years old and have had several decades of experience in mastering my motor control, and I have better judgment of my skills, so I generally have fewer spills and accidents. It’s easy to forget just how hard they are working NOT to have spills. So, I respond with, “Oh well! Accidents happen! Let’s clean it up.” And we move on. From those experiences, they learn not to judge themselves too harshly for their mistakes but also to clean up those mistakes. They learn that there’s no shame in mistakes, and that they are capable of fixing them.

What I’m suggesting is honestly not that easy. But it can become more habitual if you practice. Over the years, I’ve become pretty decent at turning on my teacher- or mom-voice. One of the most helpful strategies for me is to channel a mom or teacher friend that I perceive to be better at this than I. Identify a friend whose style of communication with children you really admire.

For me, there are two friends in particular (Hi, Emily and Megan!) whose interactions with children I admire greatly and am constantly striving to emulate. When my kids are being absolute nut-jobs and I am hanging on by a thread, I actively think to myself, “What would those mamas sound like right now?” To be fair, I don’t ever see them juggling their own nut-job children while trying to make supper when everyone is tired…who knows how they sound then! I imagine them to be islands of calm, as that is all I ever see of them. And I basically pretend to be them, because that is what I want my children to get from me.

Using these “voices in my head,” over time, my own style of communication has grown calmer, more intentional, more compassionate. It has become a habit to pause for a moment and make sure I myself am regulated before interacting with a child who is struggling to regulate their emotions and reactions.

There are several phrases that have also become habits. I try hard to respond to upset children with “Is there a way I can help you?” or “You seem very frustrated.” I try REALLY hard, when watching my children engage in risky play, to guide them with, “Pay attention to your body,” or another specific request, such as, “Watch where that foot is going.” (As opposed to, “Get down from there before you break your neck!”)

I think the underlying goal for me is to speak to them generally the same way I’d like to have someone speak to me. I mean, they’re kids, so use kid-appropriate language and phrases they can understand, but treat them like people. Whatever phrases you choose to use (and there are lots of great options that may feel more natural to you!), think them through in advance and practice them. Out loud in the mirror if you need to! Think through what you want your children to get out of that interaction.

Another strategy that can be helpful is to actually write down the phrases you want to use with your kids. It’s a lot easier to recall in the moment if you’ve written it down in advance. Then you can decide what to say and how to handle specific situations. Think hard about the words and phrases you want your children to use. Make sure those become the words and phrases you use habitually. Do it one phrase at a time if it makes it less overwhelming. One small change at a time will get you there!

Something else that I’ve been working on in terms of being intentional with my communication is thinking out loud. The concept of metacognition is defined as awareness and understanding of one’s own thought processes. We forget sometimes that children have no idea what’s going on in our heads. When my first grader has been fighting about what to wear to school for 45 minutes and the bus is almost here…she doesn’t know why I’m pausing. I’ve started saying out loud, “I am pausing for a minute to take some deep breaths. I don’t want to lose my temper.” (In case you are interested, the metacognitive term for this is “modeling of a learned strategy”). Also in case you are wondering, it worked for me - I didn’t yell.

It did not work for her. She still wasn’t dressed when that bus came.

When my toddler is losing his cool, I’ve been trying to remember that saying, “Take deep breaths,” likely isn’t helpful - he might not remember how to do that in the moment. So I’ve become very intentional about explicitly teaching him how to use the strategy: “Breath in through your nose like you’re smelling a flower. Blow out through your mouth like you’re blowing out a candle.”

Another useful strategy may be to spend some time thinking about phrases you’d like to eliminate from your communication with your kids. Often I don’t realize I’ve been saying something unconstructive until one of my charming children uses that very phrase on me.

Remember, you don’t have to change who you are, or your unique voice, or your relationship with your kids. What you may want to try is being intentional in your communication with them, especially in moments of stress or anger.

Need some encouragement to figure out the phrase that works for you? Drop a comment below and we can figure it out together.