Family rituals

For all of our seven years of parenting, I've been trying to create traditions and rituals for Big Girl (and then Mr. Middle, and now Baby B!). I grew up with many family rituals and traditions that I looked forward to throughout each year, and wanted my own children to have warm, fuzzy, repetitive memories like that, as well. I didn't really know why it was so important to me; I just knew that it was.

Since I have a reason to write about it now (I love blogging life!), I did what I normally do and started researching why we almost all feel compelled to create traditions and rituals.

What I found was fascinating - it turns out those rituals and traditions we create within our family units are correlated with SO many positive effects on our children (and ourselves!).

The first thing I learned is that researchers differentiate between “routines” and “rituals.” Routines essentially tell us what needs to be done (to-do-list style), whereas rituals convey meaning. Rituals provide children with a sense of security and safety, a sense of belonging to a group, and a sense of identity, all of which lead to more positive mental health outcomes. Rituals can provide a feeling of safety or comfort in times of family stress or transition.

Rituals are positively correlated with stronger language development, social skills, and higher academic achievement later in life. (WHOA!) It's important to note that this is correlational, not causational. What I mean is that rituals do not, as far as we know, CAUSE those positive attributes listed above. But they do accompany them. (It's a limitation of researching elements of family life - you can't exactly control for variables, so there's no way to know what's causing what or what's just a related trend.)

For example, the research has established that families with strong traditions and rituals end up raising children with better emotional intelligence. But is it the rituals causing the emotional intelligence, or are there other things causing that emotional intelligence? Maybe the families that are more likely to establish healthy rituals just happen to be families who engage in other activities that promote emotional well-being and intelligence.

There is, however, research demonstrating that families who have experienced divorce have better long term child development outcomes when both households follow predictable, similar bedtime routines and rituals. That's more likely to be a causational relationship...it's very likely that the strong routines and rituals are actually causing positive outcomes in children.

So what's the difference between a routine and a ritual? It's easy to discern the difference when we talk about dinnertime. We all have to eat dinner, right? Nearly all of us with young children have a routine for dinnertime, a pattern of actions that we take most nights, often in the same order, to get us all fed. Kids definitely eat and behave better when the routine is consistent and predictable. But it's still just a routine - the goal is to meet everyone's physical needs. It becomes a ritual when we add some component of meaning or emotional connection to it. At our house, once we are all seated at the table, we take turns discussing the best part of each of our day. This is also a time to discuss things that were frustrating. Some people open a meal with prayer - that is another example of a ritual.

The leading theory as to why rituals are beneficial is that rituals and traditions build emotional connection, and those emotional connections are the foundation on which all of those other positive skills (like social skills and academic skills) can develop optimally. Fascinatingly, there's also some emerging research that indicates the possibility of rituals and tradition (not just routines) actually benefiting our physical health and well-being! Perhaps less surprisingly, families who have strong rituals and traditions report (subjectively, of course) higher levels of happiness and satisfaction in their family life.

So how do we do this? What are some types of rituals that we can incorporate into our family life? Chances are, you're already doing it to some degree. Obviously there’s a lot of variation between families - that’s what allows rituals to convey a sense of belonging. It gives each family unit a sense of individuality. It conveys the message that “This is something unique that our family does that holds meaning for us. It separates us from the rest of the world in a positive way.” Here are some of the ways our individual family incorporates elements of ritual and tradition:

Traditional celebrations:

You celebrate birthdays, right? The ways in which you celebrate birthdays are probably somewhat unique to your family, and there are likely little and big things that you repeat at every family birthday that hold meaning for your family. This is a silly one, but in our family we finish the Happy Birthday Song with a goofy little “And many morrrrrre” with a finger moving up and down fast against the lips to create a wuh-wuh-wuh vibration. I’ve never seen Big Girl do it at any birthday party other than our family. She knows it’s something special that only we do. This tradition originated with my own nuclear family and has been passed down. Like I said, it’s a brief and silly little addition, but it definitely conveys the message that we are all part of the same (loony) group!

I’ve seen people make number-shaped pancakes for each birthday or decorate their child’s room for their birthday…almost every family has things that they repeat for every birthday that are unique to their family. These are rituals! These are the things your children will begin to anticipate, and the things they will remember with great warmth and joy. The repetition of these rituals increases the warm fuzzy feelings associated with the memories and increases the positive feelings your children will remember when they replay these events in their minds.

Holidays are the same, and a great opportunity to create traditions and rituals that repeat annually. We eat supper on the winter solstice by candlelight, we make sure to get christmas donuts in the weeks leading up to the big day, and we have a rule (ritual!) that no one goes out to see the Christmas tree on Christmas morning before everyone is ready to go together. We also traditionally spend the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve playing board games and doing puzzles. Everyone expects this, and it has a lot of meaning as a bonding time for our family.

Day to day routines:

Like I said above, routines are not rituals. They are, however, an excellent opportunity to create rituals.

Mealtimes:

The mealtime in and of itself is a routine. It becomes a ritual when we add some element of meaning or emotional connection. In our family, we spend each suppertime at the table taking turns sharing the best parts of our day and the frustrating parts. Even Mr. Middle partakes in this ritual and is starting to really think about what he’s going to share with us. This ritual has led to us being more connected throughout our day, because each of us have recognized that there are times when something great happens (when we aren’t together) and we think “Oh! This is what I’ll share with them at supper!” And boom, there’s the moment in the middle of their day where they are thinking of the warm, fuzzy family time ahead of them and realizing how much their family will enjoy hearing about that particular moment of their day. That’s powerful.

We have some seasonal rituals for mealtimes, as well. When it’s nice out, we often picnic in the front yard. When it’s winter and gets dark early, we often eat by candlelight. The act of filling our bellies doesn’t really change, but the meaning conveyed is that it’s a special time for family to enjoy. It’s a routine that holds meaning for us, something to look forward to each day. Family dinners can be a very powerful tool for connecting, if we view them with intention.

Bedtime:

This is a GREAT example of a routine that holds such possibilities for ritual and family connection! It’s something that has to be done every day. With a little intentionality and planning, it can be taken to the next level and be something to look forward to.

*Please note that there are many, MANY evenings when Hubby and I are looking at each other across the supper table, mentally preparing to don our armor and warpaint to take on the Battle of Bedtime. We do not always anticipate that event with any degree of joy. I’m guessing we are not alone in these feelings…ha! BUT, please refer to my blog on faking it til you make it…we choose to approach it in an intentionally calm and joyful manner…even if that’s not how we are really feeling by 7pm.

We look for opportunities to connect. And when both little boys have been wrestled into pajamas and everyone has been convinced to brush their teeth and we are all five of us settled in to read, that’s when the magic happens. Our ritual involves all five of us in the same big bed. We all have our spots. The little boys settle in for bedtime milk (yes, I am tandem nursing a baby and a toddler - on purpose! That’s a conversation for another day.) Everyone gets to choose a story, so each of them have some input on the reading material. We read in age order because Baby B always falls asleep quickly. Most nights, the boys fall asleep right there and we haul Mr. Middle and Baby B off to their beds. That leaves us to lay with Big Girl as she falls asleep, which is always when she chooses to share things about her day that we otherwise would not have heard. As time-intensive as this ritual is, it is worth it for us. Even when bedtime starts out as a giant WWF session, it nearly always ends with some priceless connection.

This is not to say that your bedtime has to look like ours. It totally does not. You are free to set your bedtime routine with any element of tradition or ritual that best serves your family.

Reading Times:

 Another ideal opportunity that is mentioned in multiple articles and bits of research that I found is READING TIMES! Naturally, I was so excited to see this! It aligns with everything else I write about and believe so passionately. It's all connected. Predictable reading times in your day can be an absolutely amazing time to connect with your child. It becomes so much more than the imparting of written word and information…there’s an opportunity for physical connection and all the oxytocin that results from those cuddles. There’s an opportunity to make connections between what you’re reading and your real life. There are opportunities to teach empathy and compassion and relate it to real life relationships. To say nothing of the language acquisition and academic benefits…! There are very few things that benefit our children (and our relationship with them, and their future happiness and success) as much as regular reading times.

At our house, we read first thing in the morning, before and after nap, when Big Girl gets home from school, and at bedtime. We usually read at snack time too mid-morning. Take this with a grain of salt and don’t guilt yourself if you don’t read that much - I have the School of Elise here (the little friends that spend their weekdays with the boys and me) so it is literally my job. I also spent years teaching kindergarten, so again…reading to kids and teaching is literally what I do, and what I have always done. If you read at bedtime every single night and your kids know it’s coming and look forward to it…you’re getting it right. But I probably won’t stop preaching on here about squeezing in MORE reading time, because like I said…I really can’t help myself.

Musical Rituals:

Music is another great, easy way to add elements of ritual and build emotional connection in your family! We have Christmas music that we listen to every single year and some of it is what Hubby and I grew up with, so there are many positive memories with which it is associated! My family tends to listen to some of the same music every year at the beach (think Jimmy Buffet, haha). Consequently, that music always makes me think of our annual beach trips, which brings me great joy! It would definitely be possible to be intentional about our use of music and play the same things at the same times each year in order to build those connections, rituals, and memories.

Another example here at our house is our morning snack music. This is less a family ritual and more a School of Elise ritual…I have the same playlist of classical music that I turn on every morning at the beginning of snacktime. When it’s over, I have finished my own snack and I can read to them while they’re all still a captive audience at the table. But let me tell you, when that snack music turns on, they know exactly what to expect. They associate that music with the calm, pleasant routine of eating together…and that’s when it starts to become ritual.

Our House Cleaning Parties:

Here’s a silly little ritual at our house! Most Saturday mornings, we have a house cleaning party. We started calling it a party so it could be something we all looked forward to. We worked together to choose music for a “house cleaning playlist”, so there’s music we all love, and it’s a playlist we only use during our Saturday morning house cleaning parties. It has worked like magic to become a ritual and not just a routine. The routine, obviously, is that the cleaning has to get done. The ritual is that we all do it together, with music (and dancing) we enjoy, and we end up enjoying the event and one another’s company!

Food traditions:

This is a huge one for us! I have certain foods that I make at certain events throughout the year, every year. I feel really strongly about this one, because I love to cook and bake. I love that my family looks forward to these certain foods used to celebrate specific events. We have french toast casserole on Christmas morning, and we always eat pumpkin pie for breakfast the day after Thanksgiving. We make a red white and blue trifle every year on the Fourth of July. You get the idea - build traditions using food!

I also want to share that this year, seven years into parenting, our attention to creating traditions and rituals is majorly paying off. This is the first year Big Girl has consciously looked forward to some of these traditions, or at least the first year she has voiced that anticipation to me. She has told me that the best part of Christmas is the french toast casserole, and that she loves playing games on Christmas Eve. It’s massively fulfilling as a parent to see her looking forward to those moments of family connection, and to know that she’s going to grow up and remember these traditions and rituals and possibly even pass them on to her own future family!

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE for you to comment below and share some of your own family rituals, the little and silly and the big and important. What do you all do time after time that has meaning for your family?